I am absolutely, one hundred and one percent positive that Zef is in possession of superpowers. Like any good parent, it is my hope that I will raise him to be a good man and that he will use these powers for good and not evil. As far as now, though, I think it’s enough to just say that he’s using his powers and using them mostly on me. I fear I am part of his experiment or, perhaps, part of his elaborate superhero (super villain?) training.
If you find yourself in possession of your own baby with superpowers or are expecting one of these super-powered babies in the near future, I hope this list helps you to prepare yourself for your own baby superhero and, possibly, to maybe even defend yourself against your little one as they train to become the superheroes we hope they will become!
That said, here is the list of superpowers I have come to know all too well:
Known Baby Superpowers
- Ear-Piercing Shriek – A newly developed power that, when unleashed, brings puny humans to their knees in sheer agony.
- Heartbreaking Smile – Unless one is a stone-hearted baby-hater, this smile, when witnessed, has the power to literally melt hearts. And I mean literally very, very literally. Chests heave before caving in as the heart quickly becomes little more than fondue. It’s a disturbing thing to witness. When coupled with his maniacal laughter, this power is unstoppable, leaving mortals in his wake.
- Telepathy – How else does one explain how his mother can be across the city… yet… she knows that he is hungry? He didn’t write or call or text. Nope. He used his powers of telepathy to tell his mommy that he’s hungry. I am certain of this. Professor X has competition.
- Forever Christmas (a.k.a. Buy Me The World) – Related to Telepathy (see above), he uses this grandmother-specific, telepathic power to influence the purchase decisions of his grandmothers. They buy him tons and tons and oodles and gobs of presents, no matter the time of year. It’s like Christmas for him every single time his grandmas visit!
- Pincer Grip – Between his small fingers, he squeezes bits of neck, crippling you immediately or, in the case of jewelry, latches onto shiny earrings and necklaces, tearing off earlobes and choking his victims. Beware! It’s like the Vulcan Grip in a smaller package with less pointy ears, but just as effective.
- Teleportation – Seriously. How else can one explain how I turn my back for a second, just one second, and then he’s across the room tipping over the potted plant and spilling dirt all over the floor? Teleportation. It’s the only sensible answer.
- Weaponized Biochemical Digestive Track – The horrid smell of his afternoon, post-purée diapers is all one needs to inhale to understand that this is a real, true, awful-smelling superpower and one that is possibly responsible for Global Warming or, at the very least, the stench of Metro Line 14.
So, these are a few superpowers that I am positive that my son possesses. What superpowers does your little bundle have? And what steps have you taken to defend your mortal self?